Another gem from guest writer Alex.
Ok. So in the relatively short space of time I have called this humble shell of flesh, bone and raging testosterone a home I have done some things that, well, I’m a little ashamed of. I’m not going to go down that dark and windy road, so we’ll say there have been a few choice moments that I wouldn’t want my mother to know about.
Shame is something I feel very little of, I’m not sure if it’s due to my part Scottish heritage, the Scots being a nation of crack smoking, unemployed alcoholics, thus as the Legio Astartes are to fear, the Scots are to shame.
So yes…I was in game station having a browse, only a browse because I have so much uni work on at the moment buying games is a bad idea, but
there it was…Viva Piñata – Trouble in Paradise…£4.99. I like trouble, and I like paradise (although I’ve encountered more of one than the other in my life) and I like Xbox games in the sub £5 market, so I went for it! Analysing the box this clearly wasn’t aimed at the adult games market, a brightly coloured horse made of paper resembling a purple Leona Lewis and some tool with a coconut on his head, but never the less this purchase was to be mine.
I made my away across the student infested store and passed the empty box to the obese man standing stoically at the other side of the counter; he looked as if he could rein act every cut scene from Halo 1 through to ODST with minimal effort and maximum enthusiasm, I admired him! I gave him the “this isn’t actually for me” look and he registered my gesture nodding with a sympathetic empathy he took my £5 note, gave me my change and I left….result!
Upon encountering the sobering fresh air of outside world I was suddenly struck by a sensation id imagine feeling if id just bought some dodgy Germanic porn (probably the stuff with poo in). What had I just bought? A garden for my Xbox? I hate gardening! A children’s game? I’m not a child and nor do I have any! It dawned on me that I may have just wasted my hard earned £5.
I arrived home, the Mrs. Worked Saturdays at this point so I had the afternoon to myself, and rather than get on with my mammoth uni assignment which was the grown up, responsible, forward thinking thing to do I went up stairs, kicked my trainers off and turned the box on.
After three and a half hours of a 30 minute tester, I had a garden bursting with piñata life, several encounters with a local builder called Willy….Willy builder, and a store owner who kept asking me if I wanted something seedy. I remained engrossed and felt a strange concoction of excitement and relaxation saturating my gaming soul; I had found something so profoundly pointless it allowed me to intellectually turn off to the point of near death.
A fascinating mix of innuendo and humour not at all for children, and the assortment of oddly dressed people with often rude names who graced my garden with their presence only made it more entertaining. It was only when ‘she’ returned from work that I truly realised what I had done. She walked into my “office” just as I was fertilising my new apple tree, mumbling to myself that I just couldn’t work out how to entice my new beaver residents to get their freak on, looked at the screen, looked at me shaking her head, and walked out. If I could feel shame, this is one of those times I probably would have.
I had spent the last 3 and a half hours trying to get paper animals to….you know….do it, trimming my grass, watering flowers and growing carrots in the hope off attracting a rabbit. At one point I almost felt true elation as a newt took residence in my newly dug pond. What had I achieved? Nothing! I don’t think I even got any achievement points! This was the rawest form of time wasting, time I really shouldn’t have been wasting! She later confronted me about my new game, clearly disappointed at its content and I was slightly embarrassed. To be honest I think id of felt more comfortable if shed of come home and found me playing with little Alex, at least that’s a manly thing to be caught doing!
Never the less, every now and then when her in doors pops out ill sneak my copy of Viva Piñata TIP out of its shiny case and into my Xbox, my guilty Xbox pleasure.